It’s been a while. Months. If you haven’t forgotten who I am, then perhaps you’re wondering where I am, or what I’ve been doing, or why I’ve not written for so long? Last question first – stuff, just stuff, and I’m sorry for not writing for so long. You missed me, right? I knew it. Okay so where am I now – the Isle of Man. For real. I moved country in early February this year and I’ll fill you in about that in a moment because that all comes under what I’ve been doing.
So firstly I want to give an update of me, generally.
It’s been a year since I had my accident and I’m doing really well now. I’m as able as I think I can be but not as fit as I used to be or will be, I just need to do more. So I can walk, cycle, climb, all that but not as strong or as fast or for the same duration or intensity. That’s amazing right? However, there are some things that bother me -the nerve sensation in my leg is still numbed with occasional intense pain; my back is weaker and my core is less developed (i think if I strengthen my core again I’ll start sorting out more of the back issues); and there are some mental effects still lingering such as confidence in some things, willingness to actually go and do things (well I want to, but I don’t think it’s laziness that stops me from walking outside) and sometimes I get some not-so-good thoughts about myself. I’ve only been out cycling twice in the last year (well in the last month) and on the first occasion I heard two vehicles come from behind that stirred up a bit of a moment for me.
Currently (for the last three weeks) I’ve been having small painful, itchy outbreaks on my leg around the scar tissue. Raised, lumpy skin. I’ve tried to ignore it for the last three weeks but now I’m trying using some antihistamine cream which seems to work. However it’s not predictable which area of my leg will suddenly swell a bit and get itchy because it’s not regular and i haven’t found a trigger for it? But mainly around the scar tissues from last year which I guess are weaker areas of skin? I’m no dermatologist. But good news – I’ve registered with a GP on the island and should be having an introductory registration appointment next week. I thought you’d like to know.
Mm-huh. I’m living in Port St.Mary on the Isle of Man in a shared house on the promenade -and yes I have a bay view from my window. You can check out my Facebook for a few pictures and some videos. I’ve not prepared anything for today – okay I’ll find one. Just for you. The sailing boat was just out in the bay in front of me.
I’m working for SUMT here -which stands for Scripture Ministries Ministries Trust, a Christian organisation which works in almost every school on the island introducing faith and supporting young people in schools in a number of ways. You can check out the SUMT webpage for more info. My role as Secondary School Worker means I’m working in secondary schools, helping develop younger Christians as well as being someone that anyone can chat with about faith, my faith or what Christians believe, and encourage questions and wonderings. Hopefully I’ll write more about things happening here and actually gt back into writing again!
A quick catch up though. Accident in May 2016 in Tonbridge, Kent; recovering and progressing for the following months up until December in Coningsby, Lincolnshire, when I joined a local theatre production company as a production assistant and we toured all over the UK with a version of Christmas Carol. It was epic. Amazing people and lots of fun, we travel thousands of miles – I did keep a record of places we went to but I didn’t list and therefore add up all the miles. Oh well. Also I had a vitamin D deficiency sometime before and during the winter and so I was mega slow and lethargic and not doing well. It’s great, the whole healing and recovering process is not linear at all – it goes up and down, as does my mood, and abilities.
So back to now..?
Okay. So I’ve been reflecting quite a bit about last year. It’s amazing the images and what-ifs that some light pondering can create, and scary what some deeper thinking may bring up. Dangerous too. I’m not living in the past but these scars aren’t going to go away. I’ve been fortunate to be shaped again, I’m clay in the potters hands, and the thinking, prayer and conversation I’ve been having with God has been intense at times and at other times it feels like I’ve been staring at the inside of these walls half-forgetting who God actually is. Yahweh. The great ‘I AM’, truth and absolute reality. If those few words don’t get you shouting out praises, or fall to your knees in awe, then consider what those words actually mean to you. What is truth? What is real? What is reality? What actually is eternity? Where did I come from? Why am I here? What about the Earth and then to the vast expanse of the universe? Do you ever wonder anymore, or are you simply existing? If you cease to wonder, do you exist at all?
I am not back to normal, or back to a place where I was before my accident. But I don’t intend to either. I’m not looking to becoming the past-me, but eager to keep stepping forwards -to be shaped, transformed even, into the person that God intends me to me. However long I have left to do that doesn’t matter, days, years. Sometimes I can walk, sometimes I can just about drag myself forwards and sometimes I know I’m being carried because there isn’t an ounce of strength left in me – it’s totally dependant on God. And that is far greater than being able to run, walk or climb without knowing Him any better.
Go on, get philosophical. Ask questions. Wonder. Do it. Just pause for a moment. Better yet, go and wander and wonder. It’s amazing.
As for a general update this is very short considering the months of silence. There’s a lot I haven’t said, as you probably expected. I don’t want to hold back anything from you – I love sharing with you. So there will more opportunities for us (me) to talk about all areas of life, and my new life here on the Isle of Man. Why not leave a comment?
Perhaps you’re wondering what’s over the hill? Well, it’s a phrase used to describe everywhere that isn’t The Field. Not just any old field, but the Field – a small gathering in Exmoor in the grounds of the Lee Abbey estate. That still doesn’t really answer my first question -what is over the hill? For me, it’s right here. Still more questions? Hmm, right, well ‘here’ is not simply a geographical location (which is currently Coningsby in Lincolnshire) but it’s more than that – it’s being. Still not satisfied? Hopefully we’ll explore together what that means. Also, good news – this blog has a few pictures in it! Huzzah!
Okay, so a fairly vague introduction so let’s start with a general update if you’ve been following the story about my encounter with the tarmac I had a couple of months ago. I’m doing pretty well (thanks!); I can walk a few miles now without too much discomfort which is great and my back can endure a longer duration standing or sitting without back support. My knee still feels weaker and my calf muscle still feels like a giant knotted mess however I start physiotherapy in a few day’s time which I’m looking forward to. Physically there’s continued improvement which is amazing! But, as you may have read in the previous blog, there has been some mental fighting going on against various undesirables. About three weeks ago, however, I found this thing called “The Field” at Lee Abbey which intrigued me and gave me a little spark -I spent a while trying to figure out what it was and what happens there before figuring out how I could get there to find out about it in person.
there are five meals a day and it’s nearly always tea time
the stars are brighter and the days are longer
you’re surrounded by natural beauty to explore and enjoy
God’s love is not just discussed but also experienced
you come as you are, but leave someone different…
After The Field last summer one new camper said that her favourite moments were… “Seeing a shooting star, meeting new people, the wonderful food, but most of all the feeling of being loved on this earth … it was amazing.”
It doesn’t say very much but it sounded good to me. It was intriguing. For me specifically I really wanted to get out and go somewhere, especially to a pretty place that also had similarly aged and similarly minded people. A place to love and be loved. That’s exactly what I wanted, and needed. So this gave me hope, inspiration and distraction from being ‘here’ to consider what I needed to do to be ‘there’.
Like I say, about three weeks ago I started planning to go to this Field but the obvious question was am I able to go? Firstly I’ve only driven a little bit in the last couple of months and this was about 280 miles away. My mum had agreed to let me use her car which saved me having to rent one (trains/busses would be more expensive and complicated) but there was only one way to see whether I’d fair well with the distance. Secondly it would be camping and could I sleep on the floor? I tried one evening to sleep on a camp mat on the floor and about 20 minutes later I had to abort that plan because it hurt my leg and back. I spent the next couple of days looking at inflatable mattresses and thicker foam/air camp mats but my mum sorted me out with that too! She brought back an aluminium canvas camping bed from my aunts that they used during lambing time (as a bed to sleep in the stalls with the sheep/lambs to make sure they’re ok). I tried a night’s sleep on the camp bed and managed to do it – it doesn’t rival the comforts of a sprung mattress bed but it would be suitable for camping. Thirdly I just needed to make sure I had all the bits I would need for camping -and as it was catered, all I needed was some clothes, sleeping bag and the camping bed. I was able enough to go. Good. So I booked myself a place for the second week of the camp, not knowing what to expect or what might happen…
The day came when I had to drive to Devon. Exciting! I had already packed about a week before leaving so that just shows how eager I was to get there. I planned to break up the journey by visiting friends in Rothwell, Kettering, first: I left about 8.30am to head across country (on roads…) to my friends’ house – except he wasn’t home, he was helping with a garage sale at his Grandma’s house, which is in the same village. I arrived around midday; it was a beautifully sunny day and as the car doesn’t have air conditioning so I was thankful to stop there for a little while to cool off and stretch my legs. It was wonderful to see Juliana and Edmund especially as Julie hadn’t seen me since May when I was in hospital looking reasonably awful (and in a lot of discomfort!). She mentioned the difference between seeing me then and now was incredible! I stayed there a couple of hours chatting with Ed’s family and resting (knowing I had several hours more to drive) but I left about 2pm to continue the journey down the A14, M6, M42, M5 and then various roads to Lynton, Exmoor. It was a long hot journey, beautiful in places and I only had three comfort breaks (food, water, cooling down, stretching legs etc) but I made it to Lee Abbey for about 6.30pm, just in time for dinner!
The Field, with Lee Abbey on the hill behind
There were lots of canvas tents arranged in different areas of the field -family tents, separate female and male tent areas, a large meeting tent connected to a kitchen/preparation tent, a “tent of meeting” and a chapel tent too. There were a few other structures such as the outdoor (sheltered) cooking/fire area, log store, toilets and showers. It’s like a little village community.
I joined them for the second week of camp whereas most of the campers had been there for the first week too. I met a few people in the first evening, such as the guys I was sharing a tent with, and I felt welcomed there for sure but it took a day or two to meet most of the people and to feel a part of the group -there are lots of quirky things that are Field exclusive (such as chants and calls when someone mentions a keyword, and some of the games) but you get used to it after a couple of days, especially as everyone there were really great.
Throughout the week there were planned activities such as beach trip to Woolacombe, wall climbing, zip wire, mountain boarding, archery, swimming in the sea, walks, Bible studies, book group discussions and crafts. Every evening there is an “Epilogue” to gather together for some worship, prayer and a talk -this week they were looking at Matthew 5 – 7, the Sermon on the Mount which includes the Beatitudes (from Latin beātitūdō, which means happiness or blessedness), whereas the previous week they had been talking about Old Testament law, specifically the 10 commandments. There are references to OT commandments in Matthew 5- 7 but they’re seemingly even more impossible to live out (apart from Jesus, see John 15:5 “apart from me you can do nothing”).
All very interesting and thought provoking. I should also add, the theme for the fortnight of The Field was “dwell” -such as in John 1:14, and, because it was mentioned more than once by the main leader, this word dwell comes from the Greek ἐσκήνωσεν (root σκηνόω) which means “to have one’s tent, dwell”. Here’s a definition from HELPS Word Studies:
skēnóō – properly, to pitch or live in a tent, “denoting much more than the mere general notion of dwelling” (M. Vincent). For the Christian, 4637 (skēnóō) is dwelling in intimate communion with the resurrected Christ – even as He who Himself lived in unbroken communion with the Father during the days of His flesh (Jn 1:14).
Alongside meals, elevensies and foursies that is pretty much an outline of what sort of thing happens at The Field. But then there are the less tangible elements too (love, community, fellowship, faith) which makes describing The Field quite challenging, but, without simply listing things I did, I want to circle back to the phrase I used at the beginning comparing “over the hill” with The Field.
Here’s a quick picture break before I go on…
Lee Bay
Just a quick description of the location. Lee Abbey is a 280-acre site based in Exmoor, on the North Devon coast. You can just about see from these photos that the camping area is situated on a grass field nestled between the folds of the surrounding wooded hills. On the eastern hill is the main Lee Abbey building and out to the north is the Bristol Channel and across the water is Wales. There is a fair drop between the field area and the bay below, perhaps 30 metres or so. The bay is mix of both sandy beach and boulder field from the cliff erosion -good to know, right? And I know you’re thinking that the rock pool photo doesn’t look familiar to Lee Abbey -well you’d be right! It’s from Woolacombe (which was a short coach trip further around the coast).
Rock pool in Woolacombe
Northern end of the Lee Abbey building
Overlooking the bay across to Wales
So now the challenge. What is The Field? What is Over the Hill? I’ll start with the second question first.
Field goers coined the phrase “over the hill” to describe anywhere that isn’t the field. So that could be good or bad things -home lives, work lives, where you’re at with God or questioning, doubting, struggling, striving or thriving, relationships, family, friends -whatever the situation that we are living in or what life is currently like.
You might have a general idea where i was ‘at’ before I attended this grassy gathering but having just come back I can see parts that I already miss having crossed over the hill back to here and now. More than just the waiting and wondering what I’ll be doing once I’m fully recovered, what the next step will be in where I’ll be living and working, runs something much deeper and broader – I have been apart from creativity and community, perhaps I’ve focused more on doing rather than simply being, and maybe I’ve built glass walls that I couldn’t see but which have still created separation – like looking through a window you can see the whole scene but you can’t breathe it and no matter how much you press against the window there will always be a degree of separation between you and the real thing the other side of the glass.
Life and living is a work in progress, which takes exactly one lifetime. ‘Strive’ and ‘make every effort’ to live how Jesus taught (Luke 13:24). Especially after a week briefly looking at Kingdom living in the Epilogue sessions at The Field (Matthew 5 – 7). So it’s good to think about those things “over the hill” which maybe need some attention or continued progression, or just thankfulness of blessings and deeper understanding of the Father’s heart.
There were a few amazing moments that I want to share from my time and experience that week.
Firstly, arriving there for the first time was amazing. The drive through Exmoor was nice but getting into Lynton was via a twisty road which was great. When you get out of Lynton for the final mile to Lee Abbey you head down the Valley of Rocks, surrounded by fern-filled slopes, with views of the rocky towers and the rugged coastline before crossing the cattle-grid and entering the Lee Abbey estate. It’s a very good destination.
During the week a couple of the lads had some upsetting news, which they shared with us all as family. On the Thursday night after a contemplative Epilogue session there was a memorial time under the fire shelter – a log had been halved, hollowed and tied together so that paper messages could be placed inside before it was burned on the fire. The inscription on the log simply said “Jesus wept.” John 11:35. After the two brothers placed the log on the fire together, one of them spoke a short prayer and just as he ended the prayer the log split open in two, as the bindings holding the log together had burned off, and sent an array of embers up into the night sky. It wasn’t planned, but the timing and imagery was powerful. A voice or two started singing “10,000 reasons” and one by one the whole group was singing together. It was all deeply moving and very beautiful.
There were some stunning night skies, absolutely packed with stars on a clear night. Two nights in particular stand out when I spent time outside, walking, playing my tin whistle, wandering, wondering and simply being.
The first night, which was after the memorial, I just walked along the road (which in places I couldn’t see because of the trees) which was so wonderfully peaceful -there was only a slight breeze and it was a warm evening. I sat down somewhere along the road, picked up my whistle and played”10,000 reasons”, accompanied by the sound of a host of chirping insects.
The second was the Friday night, the final night, and we had just spent a couple of hours worshipping and praying together during the last Epilogue which finished sometime near midnight. It was then that some people had gone down to the beach to light a campfire by the sea. The sky was studded with stars and often a meteorite would race across sky with bright white trails while the sea gently lapped against the shore. Laughter, joy, love, peace, sharing time together; the perfect ending.
On the Wednesday there was a worship session – just turn up and play together, which was amazing! It was a simple acoustic group with a couple of guitarists, a djembe drummer and about 15-20 people singing and it was gloriously rich! Really organic worship with so much close harmony, depth and passion. I love music, and musicians, and this was incredible – big highlight.
Like I mentioned earlier there are the things that were done -walks, conversations, games, singing, meals together which are easy thing to describe, whereas there are the less tangible parts that were great too -faith, love, joy, compassion, kindness, positivity, humour etc. There was an obvious loving and serving attitude amongst the team not only providing entertainment but cooking, cleaning and keeping the fires going (as well as a lot more: praying, book club, Bible studies, Epilogue sessions, and of course making time for each other and for campers). A real loving community -which I think is far more integrated than just a group of people working together. It’s very desirable.
Can I describe what happens at The Field in a couple of sentences? No… See how much I’ve written already! Would I go again? Yes, I want to be there and with those people (it seems that Field goers tend to keep going back each year) because everyone was interesting, creative and genuine. It’s a mix of people, backgrounds, talents and skills all coming together in this one place and it’s good. It’s a good representation of The Church having both diversity and unity in Jesus Christ.
I really loved that I had the opportunity to meet so many talented, incredible and inspiring people in such a wonderful place. Of course I’d like to spend more time with such lovely people, playing music and singing together, praying together, creating and simply being together which is why it was sad to leave, but is was a great blessing to be a part of.
On the journey home I was listening to Iona and there was one song in particular that resonated with me as well as being thematic to the week. You could change the words from ‘beyond these shores’ to ‘over the hill’ – wherever I am or wherever I go, God is forever with me, surrounded by His unfailing Love. Always. No matter how vast the ocean, how high the mountains, how deep the valleys, He is here.
“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”Matthew 28:20
Beyond These Shores – Iona
Beyond these shores
Into the darkness
Beyond these shores
This boat may sail
And if this is the way
Then there will be
A path across this sea
And if I sail beyond
The farthest ocean
Or lose myself in depths below
Wherever I may go
Your love surrounds me
For you have been before
Beyond these shores
Let me set the scene, it’s a mild overcast evening and I’d just gone for a stroll along an avenue of trees which is near to where I live. I’m in a contemplative mood, listening to music and wandering along quite slowly because my back was in pain and my leg wasn’t doing too well either, all the same I’m singing and enjoying the greenery and not being indoors. Once I’d walked to the end of this avenue I turned to come back along the pavement beside the main road to make a loop back to the house. As I walked alongside the road I heard and felt the rumbling of a large truck coming behind me – I simply thought “this is it” and was mildly surprised when this 40-tonne dumper truck drove past me instead. “Wouldn’t have survived that one” I thought to myself and just like that, in a single moment I cracked and the tears fell. That left me with a 10 minute walk home with something more to think about. Just to be clear, the truck was on the road driving normally and I was walking on a pavement – a normal situation but an irrational thought process (i.e. hearing the approaching truck).
Why am I writing this? Well a few things have come up recently which I didn’t want to write here because that gives you the opportunity to read it. Like you are doing now. That suddenly makes me more vulnerable and open (depending on what you thought about me before I suppose), and I didn’t want to write anything except positive things so that you’d think everything was okay (commonly known as social media masking, controlling ones own online presence as one desires to be known/seen). I’m no social media person, I don’t think I’ve been particularly social since my youth –remember that time at that place where something happened? I wasn’t there. But I would say that I wear a mask, whether that’s on social media or simply behind a lot of words in these blogs. Now this isn’t supposed to be a blog about insecurities, but I do have them and I don’t want them.
Anyone who has asked about my accident often followed with a question about whether I’d ever want to go cycling again and my answer is yes, I can’t wait to get back on a bike! I haven’t had any flashbacks or fears about going cycling mainly because I didn’t see it happen. But today I simply accepted that I was about to get run over again. For some reason upon hearing the approaching truck my brain deemed that an acceptable or rational thought…
Something interesting this evening was my defiance to react with either fight or flight, I just continued my slow walk forward waiting for the impact. That’s depressing – or depression? A willingness to accept defeat? I was neither startled or scared. Just waiting for the end, just like after I was run down in my accident and lay on the road waiting for the following car to drive over me, similar sort of calm expectation.
So where have those thoughts come from? I think that the weeks of inactivity, increasing feeling of isolation and a lot of ongoing waiting have led me to think about a lot of things –life, job, relationships, memories and think about all the things I don’t have or I can’t do at the moment. They’re not something I want to hold on to, think about or fear! That’s why I’m writing this too as an act of rejection to fear stealing any part of my health, my time or my joy. Nor will I allow the darkness of depression to creep back in through excessive introspective thought (i.e. thinking about me).
I had just sent a couple of text messages to my friend James down in Kent simply stating that I’m getting bored and lonely here and that there were definitely things I needed to work out with God –about a minute before I had that passing moment with the dumper truck.
I’m sure life.church won’t mind me quoting part of their “dangerous prayers” devotional I’m currently going through (it’s a 7-day short Bible reading looking specifically at “dangerous prayers” Intrigued? Check it out here and download the app here). This morning I read:
“Fear tries to call God powerless. It says, “You may have God, but he’s not enough. You should still be worried.” Now do you see how fear is at enmity with God? There is good news. Perfect love casts out all fear. Who has perfect love? God does.”1 John 4:18, 2 Timothy 1:6-7, 1 Peter 5:6-11.
One of the biggest things I want to do in my lifetime is not only knowing what love is at a very deep level, but to be actually doing it and loving people in the same way that Jesus did and continues to do. There’s no room for fear. You may have heard this passage before, from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, which is often said at weddings as a nice thing to say, but I want to live it.
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” NLT
So like I told James, I have lots to work on and to grow because I want to better serve. I will walk without pain again soon, and I won’t think that vans and trucks are out to get me either. Saying no to fear and yes to God’s amazing love and grace.
I hope to write about the things that have been on my mind whether good or bad, which takes this blog in a slightly different direction to the “this is what I’ve been doing” as previous entries have been as it involves sharing some thoughts and feelings too.
Perhaps this is part of my recovering or maybe this is an opportunity to be real. We’ll see.
It’s the end of July. That’s several weeks since I last posted anything – my excuse? Really, do I need an excuse? Just read on and see if I can remember much of the last couple of months anyway (I can’t really remember anything before last week).
That’s oddly true. I can’t remember anything more than a few days ago unless I really think about it – of course I can remember (some) things from years ago, even the things I’d much rather stop remembering!
What can I say… June, I had a birthday and an accident. July, passed by until now. When was the Big Church Day Out? May… that happened, and there was a Diocesan Day Out for this Rochester area in the middle of July. I guess you might want to know more than that.
Birthday. Yes, I’m now, or was, 26 in June. Twenty six years old. And I’ve not started a pension, I’m not on the property ladder, I’ve not got a girlfriend, I don’t have a car. I am counter-cultural. I still have the same computer and phone that I’ve had for a few years, take that advertising and consumerist culture! So what did I do for my birthday? Well, I did what I always do and ignored it. You get the usual 30ish comments on Facebook to wish you a good day, some messages from some family, and a phone call from my mum, and then I spend the rest of the day alone. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love to receive messages from friends and family, it’s really nice to be remembered once a year. And this is the crux of my birthday problems, and general social problems I would say, is the whole idea of being remembered, known, cared for.
Last year, and many years previously, I spent my birthday alone which wasn’t unusual. Months later I was on holiday with several friends (something I hadn’t done before) in Fort William, which was absolutely wonderful. We took it in turns, in pairs, to cook dinner for everyone and then clean up too. On my night to do this I cooked a cracking bacon and beef pasta bolognese, then it was decided to watch a film (“Brave”). I was washing up and clearing away while they all got nestled upstairs near the TV; I had some music on and was singing to myself then was summoned upstairs to join them. I left the kitchen and went upstairs and they thanked me for the food and then altogether wished me a great belated birthday. I felt a lump rising in my throat. I was asked to come a sit with them but I told them to start the film and I’ll just finish the cleaning. I went downstairs, I had already done 95% of the cleaning anyway, I slipped on my shoes and I walked out into the rain. As soon as I had quietly shut the door behind me, I just cried – I didn’t really know how to respond, but a hundred thoughts were running through my mind. I put on my headphones to try and reduce my world and my thoughts to something smaller and manageable, but I just ending up singing beautiful songs, my voice cracking from emotions and particularly powerful lyrics, occasionally stumbling as I wandered down the road. I wanted to keep walking away, but I stopped, cold and wet, and reason got the better of me so I returned back to the house: no one knew where I was, no one knew how I felt.
When I got back, the film had nearly finished. I wandered upstairs, walked past everyone, I probably mumbled a “hello” or something and went to my room to change/dry off. When I finally joined them for the film (5 minutes remaining!) I think I was asked “why were you wet?”, my reply “it’s raining” and nothing more was said. Done. No one needs to know.
I think I’d like Brave, it looked like a film I would enjoy. Maybe I’ll actually watch it one day.
I remember my 22nd (?) birthday (maybe I don’t remember!) which was about 2 weeks after my girlfriend had broken up with me. I had three birthday cards that year, one from my mum, one from my brother and Sarah, and one from her. That was a rough birthday. I opened the card, read the words and just couldn’t understand it at all, staring blankly at words. Meaningless (?) words. I walked miles that day.
So I’m not very good at dealing with birthdays. Or rather I’m very good at dealing with them, I walk. Alone. What better way to spend a birthday than with God?
Getting back to this year… there were some differences for sure. Yes, I still spent the day on my own ignoring that it was my birthday (whatever that means anyway?). But. Several things that took me by surprise – my friend had already written in her diary that it was my birthday, not just waiting for a Facebook reminder on the day, but she cared to actually add me into her diary. To be remembered like that just amazed me, such a beautiful thing to do. I had a card and a “birthday banner” on the stairs from one of my friends that I work with – he cares. I had a birthday letter from my German friend living in Scotland a month early but just as amazing, and I had a card written by a Polish friend with various Polish wishes she had written inside – that was beautiful.
Again, thank you so much to those that write to me, whether it’s a birthday greeting, a letter, an email, however big or small – I really value those messages. I’m sorry if I’m lonely or distant or difficult.
If you really want to know about my problems, talk with me, that’ll help solve one of my problems!
Interesting to note that no one from my home-group or church remembered my birthday… Just as a general question, should you tell people about your birthday? Should you drop hints or just say it? Because it’s just another day, you should really be celebrating with my mum, or better yet praising God because I did nothing to come into existence. Unless you’re celebrating the fact that I lived another year and haven’t died yet -which again the number of years, days, breaths that I have left are already known and the course of life will just run anyway. Yeah, I can make some choices but God knows when I’m going home anyway…
So… birthday in June, yep, then I had a bicycle accident the day after. I was cycling my brilliant old bike that’s rather terrible down the highstreet in Tonbridge, I was filtering through traffic and stopped at some traffic lights next to a huge truck. So I accelerated past it, approached a roundabout and it was clear for me, so I flew around to the left, first exit, and my front wheel lost grip and I lost some skin on my left knee and shoulder. Ouch. As quickly as I decked out, I jumped up and got back on the bike to get off the roundabout as soon as possible. Not a pleasant experience but I’d like to take the time to blame a few things: speed – I shouldn’t have gone that quick on this particular bicycle, position – it’s a small bike and I think I was a bit too far over the handlebars for adequate control, wheels – the front wheel is loose and rattles about on the axle which can’t be a good thing, weather – it was hot and greasy, tarmac – it was fresh smooth tarmac, not enough grip. So there we go. I did go on an excellent cycle to Penshurst and back, with achy bloody leg and shoulder. I figured it wouldn’t swell up so much if I kept it moving, plus I had taken some ibuprofen and smeared my wounds with Savlon. Done. Check it out – just road rash.
I would like a new bicycle, as much as I love this excellent bike, so that I could cycle further, faster and more efficiently. My current bike does not like going up hills, or around corners, or being comfortable. But it is my bike so I love it, it gets me to town so much quicker than walking, and it’s fun!
So that pretty much sums up June. Erm, other things happened too – work, church, life, potentially it was June when I had food poisoning (my bad) and suffered quite badly for a few days.
July. Now. Pffft (me exhaling air). What did I say I did? Oh yeah, working. I worked a lot in July.
I worked the Spree weekend at Rock UK Frontier Centre, which is run by Urban Saints. I didn’t know of Urban Saints before Spree, I hadn’t heard of Spree, and even now all I know is that Spree happens and it’s run by Urban Saints. If you know anything more, do share. At Spree I was working on activities as RockUK staff, doing high ropes, night hike, canoeing and abseiling. Basically a load of church youth groups go there, do some fun things, go to some worship meetings and seminars, have fun and learn about Christianity, worship God and enjoy fellowship together. My role was the fun bit, getting kids to do some great activities. The absolutely wonderful thing is that about 600 people went and 137 committed their lives to Jesus. That’s amazing!
Then I worked at the Rochester Diocesan Day Out… somewhere… near Maidstone. It was just a get together for churches and we, RockUK, provided some activities such as BMXing, a portable climbing tower and an area for bushcrafting (fires, splitting logs, hammocks, etc). That was a great day, albeit a long Sunday. I was doing the bushcraft things, getting people to try out hammocks, show them some wooden crafts, keep the fire going and show kids how to light a fire using a fire striker -there was space for three people to gather around, get a fire striker and try and get a cotton wool ball to ignite. Fun. Kids loved making the sparks and the moment when a spark catches on the cotton wool and it just burns.
The most part of June and July, as you would expect, has been working. Long days from 8.30 – 6:15 most days, varied weather, varied groups. And most of the time I’ve not been fortunate enough to have two days off together, so my rest days haven’t really worked very well. Last week was good though, working with an NCS group of mid-teenage boys and girls. They are fun, can usually do the activities quite well which makes more time for games and fun things (if you can hold their interest) but as mid-teens in a mixed group, there were some mild dramas, but the really great thing is working with the same group all week you can see team formation, relationships improving and developing. It’s a joy and a privilege which helps make longs days better.
Going down the age scale, working with primary schools is really rewarding too. The children are inquisitive, eager, fun, silly and reasonably fearless. If you say they can do it, and keep encouraging them, they tend to be able to do it. Teenagers, if you say they can do it they’ll either try or not try -so the knack is making a way in which they will try or give it a go. I’m sure there are lots of books specifically on this sort of thing, but I’m enjoying learning it all first hand and being able to adapt.
I read in a book recently about “the two golden rules for speaking to people. The first is never to adapt, and the second is always to adapt. Never adapt in the sense of trying to be someone else. Within those parameters I am always ready to adapt to features and nuances pertaining to the people I meet and the situations in which I find myself.” (Seriously Funny, A.Plass, J.Lucas). One thing (I think) I’m good at is being able to perceive people and read people, which is good because I want to be compassionate and not so good when responses from people do not line up with this, and they give a closed book answer or raise walls -that’s where trust or relationship needs to grow first. If I can tell one someone isn’t being real then other people can tell if I’m not being real, right? So don’t adapt into some crazy Blue Peter presenter or cartoon character or super-urban-street person because you think that’s what the kids want to hear.
So work is work. It’s varied and each week I’m really to pleased to say that kids enjoy our instructed activities, and they like us too. It’s so nice when you hear “do you have you for this activity? Yeah, yes, we have Michael again!” as well as the disappointed one, “Oh no, can’t we be in Michael’s group?”. Then throughout their stay you get to hear the genuine excitement in their voice when they see you on site and shout “HI!”, and finally at the end of their stay you get the thanks and slight sadness in their tone when they say bye. Aww. It is very cool.
Ah yeah, let’s go back a few months.
Big Church Day Out – although I keep calling it Church Big Day Out, which is the right words in the wrong order and for some reason has stuck in my head this way. That was a great weekend, BMXing, archery, climbing tower, bush craft. There were several hundred people doing our activities, I think it was in the 1500 region or something. It was so good to have fun with some many people, getting them to shoot a bow well in a super short session, getting them to light fires, or encouraging them to climb. So very good. Plus in the evening there was some free time and I got to see Bethel Music, some of Jesus Culture and went to the campfire Saturday night to find Israel Houghton playing guitar there. Very good. Met lots of people, made some new friends, and it was great time to bond with the Frontier staff -as they came down to help the Carroty staff for the event.
To finish, the most important thing (which I’m not going to spend many words writing about just now) is that God is moving in many many ways. Personally I can see it, I’m praying for it expectantly and it’s happening, it’s developing in people, walls are being broken, lives are being changed, all through the kindness and love of God. There are incredible testimonies every week, there are answered prayers, there is a longing for more, there is a turning to God, there is movement. Does anyone else see it here on site? I don’t know.
I know that sometimes prayers for change start with me (not me Michael, but me, reader, although in this case I am talking about me). I know I’ve changed and grown in a deep way, a real way, and it’s not down to me, determination, my own willing myself to change or understand, but it is God. God living in me. God working on me, in me, through me, around me.
The things I wrote about earlier, the loneliness, the 26-with-no-stuff, the problems… I know the perspective from which I write or look, and I can see God’s perspective on me and these things. I am never alone, and can never be; I am loved; I am blessed; I have worth.
I recently wrote down Gandalf’s last words in the Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, and spent a long time considering them. I am part of a story, an adventure, but the real Story is not about me -it’s about Him. It’s all about Jesus.
Gandalf’s last words to Bilbo Baggins
So to end my summer-y summary. It’s summer, now that it’s started raining it must be, and all I have planned is to work here, more groups, holiday club sessions, visit some friends for a long weekend in Derbyshire, and perhaps at some point I will be able to visit my family. Roll on Autumn!
It’s actually April the 30th at the time of writing, but publish date will be May (tomorrow!) and then whenever you read this, it maybe May but maybe not. I don’t know – you’re all really quiet! So I guess I’ve either become dull or uninteresting (surely not?) or I don’t post enough to keep you wanting to come back and check in to see what’s going on.
Fine. If you’re not going to say anything then I shall continue anyway. I do like the sound of my own voice, or my own sentences. Interestingly I don’t hear my voice when I read my own words, it’s a voice that sounds much more refined, warm and friendly. I know, I know… that’s a description of my own voice (!) but seriously, I don’t hear me when I read me.
Have you ever looked in a mirror and noticed the person looking back is actually different to how you thought? I’ve had many a moment in my own life when I’ve looked at someone I thought I knew and realised the face I was seeing was a younger version of the real version. Weird? Maybe. Same with voices. People change. It’s especially noticeable when you’re me (which you’re not…) and the interval between seeing people, friends, family etc is slightly longer than one would like.
I miss you. Even those who I’ve never met (hello by the way).
Have you ever looked in a window and thought the person looking back at you is you? Well that happened to me last week too. It was a window in a door, and as I approached the door so did my ‘reflection’ then the door opened and I hadn’t touched the door. I jumped back a foot! It was so funny. The reflection was actually Miguel wearing the same work tshirt as me (Miguel and I don’t exactly look alike, but the mirror movement towards the door is what led me to believe it was a reflection. Pretty daft I know). So that actually happened…
What’s been going on? Oh, same old. Some things new, some things the same, some things didn’t happen. I don’y know? I’m not keeping track of the comings and goings so much these days, but that’s not to say that things are dull or stagnant. Certainly not. But you know it would be both much appreciated and conversational if you asked questions about things I’m doing -that would be the best way of me communicating what you’re interested to hear about. Or else I just end up talking about my own voice.
Here are some bits and pieces:
I joined a church connect group. We meet on Wednesdays at 8pm and I cycle. We’re currently going through the book of Matthew. It’s a group of about 10 and they’re wonderful, fun, lovely, interesting and really good people to be around. That’s a good thing.
I’ve been canoeing on the lake a few times this month to practice 3 star skills in preparation for 3 star assessment one day. The emphasis on 3 star is “effective” paddling. Johnny is leading us in the training (he’s a fellow instructor here at Carroty Wood) and I love canoeing! I’m learning well and I’m told that I’m well on course with the strokes and technique. That’s a good thing.
I’ve been cycling every week and the one time that I recorded my cycle ride I managed to get to 30mph, with an average speed of 15mph. Not bad for a new cyclist, an old bike and below average fitness levels (in my opinion of myself). I love cycling, it’s so good to self-propel and move at a much quicker pace than walking -makes sense. That’s a good thing. The bike is started to have some problems with shifting gears so I need to check that out some time before it becomes a bad thing.
I’ve started to use Strava app to record bike rides. This is a good thing.
The school groups have told us that they had a lot of fun here at Carroty Wood, and were especially impressed and appreciative of the instructed activities. That’s a good thing.
I’m getting settled at St Stephens church in Tonbridge, getting to know lots of people -one moment in particular which stood out to me was during a baptism service when the pastor walked around the church with the new member to the church and their family to greet us as church family. He walked around down the aisles and introduced me by name. That was a special moment for me, as I’ve only been going a few weeks, but to be mentioned by name as part of their (my) church family was great. He probably wouldn’t know quite exactly how means to me. This is a good thing.
I’ve been going to an International group in Tonbridge, meeting in Starbucks on Friday nights. I’ve met quite a few people from various countries all living and working in the surrounding area. They’re all wonderful, interesting, lovely, and nice people. Glad to be a pedantic but clear spoken Englishman because apparently they like those qualities. That is a good thing… (?)
I am well and healthy. That is a good thing.
But there are less-than-good things happening too. On several occasions I’ve had a low moment, which have passed or the moment passed anyway. Let’s not mar this blog entry with mentioning less desirables or problems, not that I’m keeping them to myself (although so far I am) because I’ve written down a couple of them. I’ll let the words sort themselves out, or better yet, let the Word (that became flesh) get involved and sort me out. He is. He will work to completion what He started.
Let’s not be vague about that part. I believe in God, right, I’m a Christian, a disciple of Jesus, adopted son of the Father and a student of the Holy Spirit. I’m learning, I know this, and I’m growing too (maybe you’ve noticed?). I know that I’ve come a long way and I have an epic journey ahead. It’s not enough to have just heard about “Christian” things, but you need to know them, you need to live them, you need that right relationship with God and keep pursuing Him! Being a Christian isn’t a hobby is a renewed way of life, with a renewed mind, a renewed heart; you have purpose, reason, grace and love – oh, the love! Love. Real love. Really real love. Authentic love.
I’m currently reading about Count Zinzendorf (heard of him?), continuing with Systematic Theology and I’ve just finished a reader’s edition of A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. What a writer! What a book! I’ve just ordered a book by Rowan Williams (ex-Arch Bishop of Canterbury) who also seems like a clever man who is gifted with words.
Words.
Wonderful words.
Let the learning continue.
Please do get in touch if you wanted to chat, comment or see what’s going on. I like conversations. I like you.
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Week ten has just passed, that means there are two weeks left of the training. This last week has been pretty busy driving around – you’ll see. As for the “6 inches of snow” that was predicted to fall this morning… hang on… no joke, it’s just started to snow! Only problem is that it’s really wet and it’s not cold at the moment, so I don’t think the snow will stick around. Big flakes of snow though. I’ll keep updated you on the snow situation later.
Wait, the snow has just stopped. Oh well. That was a fun 2 minutes.
Moving on.
Monday
I spent Sunday night in Rothwell, Northamptonshire, at my friends’ house but Monday morning he had driven to work and left me a key to lock up and leave at my own leisure. It was so good to see my friends for a few hours, but let’s start with Monday.
The plan for the day was to drive to Cambridge, wander around a bit and enjoy Cambridge, meet a friend there and then drive to the Frontier Centre in Irthlingborough for the RockUK conference. Simple.
If you’ve never been to Cambridge I would strongly recommend visiting. There are so many lovely buildings there so make sure you don’t wander around looking at shop fronts (although there are some nice shops too), look up at the buildings, the churches, the colleges, there are so many interesting things to see. Lots of bicycles, often street performers, market stalls, all kinds of lovely things.
I like walking around places on my own, at my own pace, which gives me time to enjoy and soak up the environment, the people, the smells and the sounds.
After I had met my friend and had wandered around for a while, we drove off to get to Irthlingborough (albeit via Rothwell again, as we had been invited for dinner). It was a matter of minutes before my friend was fast asleep in the passenger seat – she must have been so tired! She only woke up briefly to say she had a stiff neck but as quickly as she had stirred from sleep to say that, she was back peacefully asleep.
I’ll skip the most part of the day. It was wonderful just to be able to wake up when I was ready, to relax, to go back to Cambridge after three months away, just to have a day off with no real agenda at a very relaxed pace. Of course the main highlight would have been meeting friends.
Tuesday
At Frontier Centre for the next four days. The conference didn’t start until 11am but my day started bright and early as I had been asked to play bass guitar with the worship group (and I hadn’t played bass guitar since I some am-dram performance in February. Or sometime early in the year. I can’t even remember what the pantomime was?).
Staff conference is a couple of days in duration, allowing time for all Rock UK staff to meet together from all four centres in the UK to talk about progress over the last year, what has happened, what hasn’t happened and how God has moving in and through the centres/staff. It’s really wonderful to work in a Christian organisation that first and foremost puts God in the centre, then alongside the mission and ministry.
There were a couple of testimonies and some guest speakers too, such as Jonny Young ex-RockUK staff and current GB Paralympic rower and all-round excellent guy; it was just amazing to hear what has happened recently in real people’s lives to encourage and strengthen faith.
In the afternoon we all formed groups of about 7 to do the group challenge – “making and racing chariots”.
In the sports hall there were some large sheets of cardboard, cardboard tubes, a length of cord, cable ties, cellotape and some coloured crate paper then some instructions and jigs. Each group had the same materials, the same design, the same challenge and the same amount of time. We all split up in our team and some sketched out the design on the cardboard sheets, others were cutting, others assembling and then some making some aesthetic designs too.
Unfortunately when the time had elapsed our chariot did not have any wheels attached which made pulling it around the sports hall a real drag. At least we didn’t get DNF because we still completed the race, but I’m not sure which is worse – not finishing a race or finishing dead last. It was a lot of fun though. The more competitive teams finished with carpet burns and plenty of injured limbs.
In the evening there was a “hollywood” style party to celebrate and keep the fun going. Everyone dressed up as stars, actors and actresses, notably were the group who dressed as Oscars in gold morph suits and one guy who just wore holly leaves (I guess he misread the memo). After dinner there were board games and word games plus the table. The table. This is a table secured to the floor, and the game is just to go around the table without touching the floor. Of course I did it! Why wouldn’t I? I managed to go around the wider section of the table easily enough but it took a few attempts to go arrow the narrow end, but I did it.
I have a few bruises.
Wednesday
Staff conference continued with more centre updates and videos such as the one you’ll see in a moment, then we spent some more time looking at the book of Daniel before sharing communion together and more time singing -although I only sang a bit because I was playing bass again.
Absolutely wonderful time together, a really great group of people, making new friends and meeting the guys I’ll be working with at Carroty Wood when I move down there in January. It’s like a big family. I love RockUK, I love what they’re doing and I love that I’m welcomed as part of the team.
Ok, so here’s the RockUK ITP video that we put together. It’s made up of clips and photos from all the ITP guys and Dave magically put it all together in only a few long hours going right through until the early hours of the Saturday morning before he travelled down from Scotland to Irthlingborough. You should read his blog too, it’s good and he’s a great guy.
In the afternoon, a couple of the instructors from Frontier Centre took us to the climbing wall and abseil tower to practise our rope techniques as their set-up is different to Whithaugh Park where we had been learning. It was good to try out on a different tower but also to get a different instructor to talk us through how he does things, learning different methods and sharing more skills knowledge.
Thursday
Today we become swordsmen! Actually that comes tomorrow, but today we learn about becoming swordsmen!
That’s right, ish, we have a two day course to learn fencing and know how to instruct fencing. It was quite intensive, as all the training seems to be, but so much fun.
Our instructor was an experienced fencer and brimming with character, opinions and conversation. The first thing he did was talk about the history of swords while pulling sword after sword from a sports bag. I must admit that although I found him very interesting and very much enjoyed his talk, my thoughts were on his multitude of blades – “ooo, i like that, i should buy one of those. Ooo, wait that one’s better, look at the craftsmanship and elegance, mmm i’ll get one of those too. Ahh I’ve always liked those swords, maybe I should get that one.” and so on. I don’t know if it’s a man-thing or a me-thing but I do like sharp pointy things but I do not at all like the idea of slashing at one another in a war. That is awful. I can’t imagine what a battlefield would look and sound like. I digress.
The day was spent doing various exercises, learning different techniques, and basically just spending time fencing one another.
My legs were fairly painful as the fencing stance and movement requires bent legs, not as far as a squat but still bent, nothing like walking. I can do walking. Fencing requires effort. Fantastic though, especially as everyone was trying to fence as we had been instructed.
Friday
After a night’s sleep my legs were feeling a little achy and just wanted to walk normally, however we’re fencing again today but this time there is an assessment.
Skipping all the training because it’s repetitive and makes me wince thinking about it – it was a lot of fencing, activities and fencing games in quite a short period of time. I’ve only just started to recover!
The assessment was to run a fencing session as an instructor, which would cover six elements:
On Guard!
Moving forwards and backwards
Lunge
Holding and using a foil
Parry and reposte
Counter reposte
That’s the basics of fencing really. Knowing how to move about and what to do with a foil in order to score points. There is not advanced here because the sessions may only last about 2 hours and the children need to be having fun while fencing so that they might be inspired to continue fencing later in life or join a fencing club. My role as instructor is to be clear, to keep them safe and to have fun.
We all passed. So when we go to our individual centres we can run fencing sessions. The two day course was excellent, if you want to know more check out British Fencing.
So last week I became a competent archer and now I’m a swordsman. I feel great (apart from the physical fatigue and general aches and pains). The next two weeks should have me signed off to do rope work and then complete my level one coach for kayaking and canoeing.
Then it’s Christmas.
Well, that’s been my week – staff conference and fencing training. Amazing week.
Oh and don’t let me leave without telling you that today, Sunday 7th 2014, I’m getting baptised. I became a Christian 7 years ago and since then I didn’t seem to make time or ask about baptism – I hadn’t intentionally put it off or avoided it, but it just didn’t happen. There was an opportunity that came up and I asked to do it too, and today’s the day.
I keep meaning to write my “about me” page on this blog, and I’ll make sure I write about this there too.
Hope you’re well and you’ve had a good week. Feel free to add comments below or get in touch.
As for the snow earlier, it’s just a regular overcast cold day now. So no snow. Maybe another time? I’m off now, to go to Newcastleton village to see them turn on the Christmas lights.
Michael's Blog 