Let me set the scene, it’s a mild overcast evening and I’d just gone for a stroll along an avenue of trees which is near to where I live. I’m in a contemplative mood, listening to music and wandering along quite slowly because my back was in pain and my leg wasn’t doing too well either, all the same I’m singing and enjoying the greenery and not being indoors. Once I’d walked to the end of this avenue I turned to come back along the pavement beside the main road to make a loop back to the house. As I walked alongside the road I heard and felt the rumbling of a large truck coming behind me – I simply thought “this is it” and was mildly surprised when this 40-tonne dumper truck drove past me instead. “Wouldn’t have survived that one” I thought to myself and just like that, in a single moment I cracked and the tears fell. That left me with a 10 minute walk home with something more to think about. Just to be clear, the truck was on the road driving normally and I was walking on a pavement – a normal situation but an irrational thought process (i.e. hearing the approaching truck).
Why am I writing this? Well a few things have come up recently which I didn’t want to write here because that gives you the opportunity to read it. Like you are doing now. That suddenly makes me more vulnerable and open (depending on what you thought about me before I suppose), and I didn’t want to write anything except positive things so that you’d think everything was okay (commonly known as social media masking, controlling ones own online presence as one desires to be known/seen). I’m no social media person, I don’t think I’ve been particularly social since my youth –remember that time at that place where something happened? I wasn’t there. But I would say that I wear a mask, whether that’s on social media or simply behind a lot of words in these blogs. Now this isn’t supposed to be a blog about insecurities, but I do have them and I don’t want them.
Anyone who has asked about my accident often followed with a question about whether I’d ever want to go cycling again and my answer is yes, I can’t wait to get back on a bike! I haven’t had any flashbacks or fears about going cycling mainly because I didn’t see it happen. But today I simply accepted that I was about to get run over again. For some reason upon hearing the approaching truck my brain deemed that an acceptable or rational thought…
Something interesting this evening was my defiance to react with either fight or flight, I just continued my slow walk forward waiting for the impact. That’s depressing – or depression? A willingness to accept defeat? I was neither startled or scared. Just waiting for the end, just like after I was run down in my accident and lay on the road waiting for the following car to drive over me, similar sort of calm expectation.
So where have those thoughts come from? I think that the weeks of inactivity, increasing feeling of isolation and a lot of ongoing waiting have led me to think about a lot of things –life, job, relationships, memories and think about all the things I don’t have or I can’t do at the moment. They’re not something I want to hold on to, think about or fear! That’s why I’m writing this too as an act of rejection to fear stealing any part of my health, my time or my joy. Nor will I allow the darkness of depression to creep back in through excessive introspective thought (i.e. thinking about me).
I had just sent a couple of text messages to my friend James down in Kent simply stating that I’m getting bored and lonely here and that there were definitely things I needed to work out with God –about a minute before I had that passing moment with the dumper truck.
I’m sure life.church won’t mind me quoting part of their “dangerous prayers” devotional I’m currently going through (it’s a 7-day short Bible reading looking specifically at “dangerous prayers” Intrigued? Check it out here and download the app here). This morning I read:
“Fear tries to call God powerless. It says, “You may have God, but he’s not enough. You should still be worried.” Now do you see how fear is at enmity with God? There is good news. Perfect love casts out all fear. Who has perfect love? God does.” 1 John 4:18, 2 Timothy 1:6-7, 1 Peter 5:6-11.
One of the biggest things I want to do in my lifetime is not only knowing what love is at a very deep level, but to be actually doing it and loving people in the same way that Jesus did and continues to do. There’s no room for fear. You may have heard this passage before, from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, which is often said at weddings as a nice thing to say, but I want to live it.
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” NLT
So like I told James, I have lots to work on and to grow because I want to better serve. I will walk without pain again soon, and I won’t think that vans and trucks are out to get me either. Saying no to fear and yes to God’s amazing love and grace.
I hope to write about the things that have been on my mind whether good or bad, which takes this blog in a slightly different direction to the “this is what I’ve been doing” as previous entries have been as it involves sharing some thoughts and feelings too.
Perhaps this is part of my recovering or maybe this is an opportunity to be real. We’ll see.
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