Hey,
It’s the end of July. That’s several weeks since I last posted anything – my excuse? Really, do I need an excuse? Just read on and see if I can remember much of the last couple of months anyway (I can’t really remember anything before last week).
That’s oddly true. I can’t remember anything more than a few days ago unless I really think about it – of course I can remember (some) things from years ago, even the things I’d much rather stop remembering!
What can I say… June, I had a birthday and an accident. July, passed by until now. When was the Big Church Day Out? May… that happened, and there was a Diocesan Day Out for this Rochester area in the middle of July. I guess you might want to know more than that.
Birthday. Yes, I’m now, or was, 26 in June. Twenty six years old. And I’ve not started a pension, I’m not on the property ladder, I’ve not got a girlfriend, I don’t have a car. I am counter-cultural. I still have the same computer and phone that I’ve had for a few years, take that advertising and consumerist culture! So what did I do for my birthday? Well, I did what I always do and ignored it. You get the usual 30ish comments on Facebook to wish you a good day, some messages from some family, and a phone call from my mum, and then I spend the rest of the day alone. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love to receive messages from friends and family, it’s really nice to be remembered once a year. And this is the crux of my birthday problems, and general social problems I would say, is the whole idea of being remembered, known, cared for.
Last year, and many years previously, I spent my birthday alone which wasn’t unusual. Months later I was on holiday with several friends (something I hadn’t done before) in Fort William, which was absolutely wonderful. We took it in turns, in pairs, to cook dinner for everyone and then clean up too. On my night to do this I cooked a cracking bacon and beef pasta bolognese, then it was decided to watch a film (“Brave”). I was washing up and clearing away while they all got nestled upstairs near the TV; I had some music on and was singing to myself then was summoned upstairs to join them. I left the kitchen and went upstairs and they thanked me for the food and then altogether wished me a great belated birthday. I felt a lump rising in my throat. I was asked to come a sit with them but I told them to start the film and I’ll just finish the cleaning. I went downstairs, I had already done 95% of the cleaning anyway, I slipped on my shoes and I walked out into the rain. As soon as I had quietly shut the door behind me, I just cried – I didn’t really know how to respond, but a hundred thoughts were running through my mind. I put on my headphones to try and reduce my world and my thoughts to something smaller and manageable, but I just ending up singing beautiful songs, my voice cracking from emotions and particularly powerful lyrics, occasionally stumbling as I wandered down the road. I wanted to keep walking away, but I stopped, cold and wet, and reason got the better of me so I returned back to the house: no one knew where I was, no one knew how I felt.
When I got back, the film had nearly finished. I wandered upstairs, walked past everyone, I probably mumbled a “hello” or something and went to my room to change/dry off. When I finally joined them for the film (5 minutes remaining!) I think I was asked “why were you wet?”, my reply “it’s raining” and nothing more was said. Done. No one needs to know.
I think I’d like Brave, it looked like a film I would enjoy. Maybe I’ll actually watch it one day.
I remember my 22nd (?) birthday (maybe I don’t remember!) which was about 2 weeks after my girlfriend had broken up with me. I had three birthday cards that year, one from my mum, one from my brother and Sarah, and one from her. That was a rough birthday. I opened the card, read the words and just couldn’t understand it at all, staring blankly at words. Meaningless (?) words. I walked miles that day.
So I’m not very good at dealing with birthdays. Or rather I’m very good at dealing with them, I walk. Alone. What better way to spend a birthday than with God?
Getting back to this year… there were some differences for sure. Yes, I still spent the day on my own ignoring that it was my birthday (whatever that means anyway?). But. Several things that took me by surprise – my friend had already written in her diary that it was my birthday, not just waiting for a Facebook reminder on the day, but she cared to actually add me into her diary. To be remembered like that just amazed me, such a beautiful thing to do. I had a card and a “birthday banner” on the stairs from one of my friends that I work with – he cares. I had a birthday letter from my German friend living in Scotland a month early but just as amazing, and I had a card written by a Polish friend with various Polish wishes she had written inside – that was beautiful.
Again, thank you so much to those that write to me, whether it’s a birthday greeting, a letter, an email, however big or small – I really value those messages. I’m sorry if I’m lonely or distant or difficult.
If you really want to know about my problems, talk with me, that’ll help solve one of my problems!
Interesting to note that no one from my home-group or church remembered my birthday… Just as a general question, should you tell people about your birthday? Should you drop hints or just say it? Because it’s just another day, you should really be celebrating with my mum, or better yet praising God because I did nothing to come into existence. Unless you’re celebrating the fact that I lived another year and haven’t died yet -which again the number of years, days, breaths that I have left are already known and the course of life will just run anyway. Yeah, I can make some choices but God knows when I’m going home anyway…
So… birthday in June, yep, then I had a bicycle accident the day after. I was cycling my brilliant old bike that’s rather terrible down the highstreet in Tonbridge, I was filtering through traffic and stopped at some traffic lights next to a huge truck. So I accelerated past it, approached a roundabout and it was clear for me, so I flew around to the left, first exit, and my front wheel lost grip and I lost some skin on my left knee and shoulder. Ouch. As quickly as I decked out, I jumped up and got back on the bike to get off the roundabout as soon as possible. Not a pleasant experience but I’d like to take the time to blame a few things: speed – I shouldn’t have gone that quick on this particular bicycle, position – it’s a small bike and I think I was a bit too far over the handlebars for adequate control, wheels – the front wheel is loose and rattles about on the axle which can’t be a good thing, weather – it was hot and greasy, tarmac – it was fresh smooth tarmac, not enough grip. So there we go. I did go on an excellent cycle to Penshurst and back, with achy bloody leg and shoulder. I figured it wouldn’t swell up so much if I kept it moving, plus I had taken some ibuprofen and smeared my wounds with Savlon. Done. Check it out – just road rash.
I would like a new bicycle, as much as I love this excellent bike, so that I could cycle further, faster and more efficiently. My current bike does not like going up hills, or around corners, or being comfortable. But it is my bike so I love it, it gets me to town so much quicker than walking, and it’s fun!
So that pretty much sums up June. Erm, other things happened too – work, church, life, potentially it was June when I had food poisoning (my bad) and suffered quite badly for a few days.
July. Now. Pffft (me exhaling air). What did I say I did? Oh yeah, working. I worked a lot in July.
I worked the Spree weekend at Rock UK Frontier Centre, which is run by Urban Saints. I didn’t know of Urban Saints before Spree, I hadn’t heard of Spree, and even now all I know is that Spree happens and it’s run by Urban Saints. If you know anything more, do share. At Spree I was working on activities as RockUK staff, doing high ropes, night hike, canoeing and abseiling. Basically a load of church youth groups go there, do some fun things, go to some worship meetings and seminars, have fun and learn about Christianity, worship God and enjoy fellowship together. My role was the fun bit, getting kids to do some great activities. The absolutely wonderful thing is that about 600 people went and 137 committed their lives to Jesus. That’s amazing!
Then I worked at the Rochester Diocesan Day Out… somewhere… near Maidstone. It was just a get together for churches and we, RockUK, provided some activities such as BMXing, a portable climbing tower and an area for bushcrafting (fires, splitting logs, hammocks, etc). That was a great day, albeit a long Sunday. I was doing the bushcraft things, getting people to try out hammocks, show them some wooden crafts, keep the fire going and show kids how to light a fire using a fire striker -there was space for three people to gather around, get a fire striker and try and get a cotton wool ball to ignite. Fun. Kids loved making the sparks and the moment when a spark catches on the cotton wool and it just burns.
The most part of June and July, as you would expect, has been working. Long days from 8.30 – 6:15 most days, varied weather, varied groups. And most of the time I’ve not been fortunate enough to have two days off together, so my rest days haven’t really worked very well. Last week was good though, working with an NCS group of mid-teenage boys and girls. They are fun, can usually do the activities quite well which makes more time for games and fun things (if you can hold their interest) but as mid-teens in a mixed group, there were some mild dramas, but the really great thing is working with the same group all week you can see team formation, relationships improving and developing. It’s a joy and a privilege which helps make longs days better.
Going down the age scale, working with primary schools is really rewarding too. The children are inquisitive, eager, fun, silly and reasonably fearless. If you say they can do it, and keep encouraging them, they tend to be able to do it. Teenagers, if you say they can do it they’ll either try or not try -so the knack is making a way in which they will try or give it a go. I’m sure there are lots of books specifically on this sort of thing, but I’m enjoying learning it all first hand and being able to adapt.
I read in a book recently about “the two golden rules for speaking to people. The first is never to adapt, and the second is always to adapt. Never adapt in the sense of trying to be someone else. Within those parameters I am always ready to adapt to features and nuances pertaining to the people I meet and the situations in which I find myself.” (Seriously Funny, A.Plass, J.Lucas). One thing (I think) I’m good at is being able to perceive people and read people, which is good because I want to be compassionate and not so good when responses from people do not line up with this, and they give a closed book answer or raise walls -that’s where trust or relationship needs to grow first. If I can tell one someone isn’t being real then other people can tell if I’m not being real, right? So don’t adapt into some crazy Blue Peter presenter or cartoon character or super-urban-street person because you think that’s what the kids want to hear.
So work is work. It’s varied and each week I’m really to pleased to say that kids enjoy our instructed activities, and they like us too. It’s so nice when you hear “do you have you for this activity? Yeah, yes, we have Michael again!” as well as the disappointed one, “Oh no, can’t we be in Michael’s group?”. Then throughout their stay you get to hear the genuine excitement in their voice when they see you on site and shout “HI!”, and finally at the end of their stay you get the thanks and slight sadness in their tone when they say bye. Aww. It is very cool.
Ah yeah, let’s go back a few months.
Big Church Day Out – although I keep calling it Church Big Day Out, which is the right words in the wrong order and for some reason has stuck in my head this way. That was a great weekend, BMXing, archery, climbing tower, bush craft. There were several hundred people doing our activities, I think it was in the 1500 region or something. It was so good to have fun with some many people, getting them to shoot a bow well in a super short session, getting them to light fires, or encouraging them to climb. So very good. Plus in the evening there was some free time and I got to see Bethel Music, some of Jesus Culture and went to the campfire Saturday night to find Israel Houghton playing guitar there. Very good. Met lots of people, made some new friends, and it was great time to bond with the Frontier staff -as they came down to help the Carroty staff for the event.
To finish, the most important thing (which I’m not going to spend many words writing about just now) is that God is moving in many many ways. Personally I can see it, I’m praying for it expectantly and it’s happening, it’s developing in people, walls are being broken, lives are being changed, all through the kindness and love of God. There are incredible testimonies every week, there are answered prayers, there is a longing for more, there is a turning to God, there is movement. Does anyone else see it here on site? I don’t know.
I know that sometimes prayers for change start with me (not me Michael, but me, reader, although in this case I am talking about me). I know I’ve changed and grown in a deep way, a real way, and it’s not down to me, determination, my own willing myself to change or understand, but it is God. God living in me. God working on me, in me, through me, around me.
The things I wrote about earlier, the loneliness, the 26-with-no-stuff, the problems… I know the perspective from which I write or look, and I can see God’s perspective on me and these things. I am never alone, and can never be; I am loved; I am blessed; I have worth.
I recently wrote down Gandalf’s last words in the Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, and spent a long time considering them. I am part of a story, an adventure, but the real Story is not about me -it’s about Him. It’s all about Jesus.
So to end my summer-y summary. It’s summer, now that it’s started raining it must be, and all I have planned is to work here, more groups, holiday club sessions, visit some friends for a long weekend in Derbyshire, and perhaps at some point I will be able to visit my family. Roll on Autumn!
Love to you all.
Michael's Blog 